A Tour de Friends is quite similar to the Tour de France, but with more friends and fewer bicycles and steroids. And no sponsors. Sponsors would’ve been good.

This is the story of Emma and her trusty side-kick, Tongue, on a 5500-mile road trip. Tongue was very well-behaved until we hit the plains of Montana, where he got bored and went a little crazy. But let’s start at the beginning…

 

We had barely made it out of the driveway when Emma asked if we were there yet.

A tight deadline to get to Mitchell, OR before the eclipse meant no pictures of the Texas Panhandle, New Mexico, or Idaho but I did snap this image of Emma yelling at traffic through the densest part of Utah. She sounded exactly like a NYC cabbie. “Get outta the way, will ya!” followed by a string of expletives.

Our drive up was uneventful, which gave me time to research our eclipse destination. According to Wikipedia, Mitchell is as close to a ghost town as you can get without being an actual ghost town.  I also learned that in the novel World War Z, “the people of Mitchell are almost entirely infected and turned into zombies. Instead of being cleared, the town is sealed and is turned into the K-9 Urban Warfare school, where military dogs are trained with live zombies.”  This information made the drive into town a little unnerving because the roads were deserted. Like, not a single car for 100 miles deserted. Thanks to expert predictions, we expected eclipse gridlock so we were loaded down with extra gallons of water and gasoline. We were prepared to be stuck, we were not prepared to be the only vehicle flying down the road.

We felt better once we found the farm field that would be home to our eclipse experience. The place was full of friendly faces and not one zombie in sight.

Emma Louise approved of her view.

Waiting for the eclipse was exhausting. Note the VIP wristband around her neck. It gave her full access to everything in the farm field. Including, but not limited to, other people’s campsites, the port-a-potty, and the food truck.

(She looks so old and skinny here. I mean, she is old and skinny, but this picture emphasizes it in the worst possible way. It reminds me we won’t have her forever.)

Trusty side-kick, Tongue, likes to sleep on a pillow. We wash our pillowcases a lot.

Preparing for the eclipse – had to make sure Emma wore her NASA-approved eyewear.

We lucked into a camping spot next to an exceptional family: mom, dad, and teenage twins.  We enjoyed our time with them, not only because they fed us well, but also because of the lively conversation.  Teens are often taciturn and uninterested in socializing with adults, but these kiddos were delightfully engaged with us. Their parents were okay too. 😉

Our eclipse experience was phenomenal. I lack the words to properly describe it, but I also feel talking about it will diminish much of the magic. It was an experience that moved us enough to make plans to see this family again in Texas for the 2024 eclipse.

After our time on the farm, we headed to Harris Beach State Park in the southwestern corner of Oregon. This was where we first got a taste of the wildfires that plagued the northwest in the late summer of ’17.

Emma asked “Are we there yet?” ten miles into our 370-mile trip to Harris Beach.

 

Once we got there, we realized the direness of the situation. Firemen stood at the entrances of grocery stores and explained evacuation plans to the locals and most people outside wore respiratory masks because the air quality was so bad.

We didn’t stay long, but while we were there we played a game called Fog or Smoke? 

Smoke usually won.

Smoke…

Smoke…

Fog! (but still a lot of smoke…)

This was Emma’s first time to meet an ocean. She was not impressed with sand. Tongue thought the salty air was pretty cool, though.

Behind the scenes stage mom moment as I showed her how I wanted her to pose.

She nailed it.

If you’re interested, this was our set up at Harris Beach. It had everything we needed: a kitchen, a bed, and a bathroom just 80 feet away.

We waited patiently for our friends Lindsay and James, who were driving in after seeing the eclipse in northern Oregon.

They ran into a bit of eclipse traffic and got in late, well after midnight. They were tired from the drive and ready for serious shut-eye when a drunk driver crashed into a tree just feet from their tent. It’s a story they can tell better than I can. I’m just happy they weren’t hurt. That would’ve put a real damper on the trip.

You know what else put a damper on the trip (and on the lives of thousands of people who had to live through it)? Wildfire.

We saw too many of these.

We planned to visit the Northern California Redwoods, but they were burning. Then we made a plan to hit Crater Lake, but it was surrounded by seventy-five (75!) fires. Thanks to some Bond-level planning and organization between James and his friend Spanky, we ended up at Diamond Lake in Oregon. Still covered with smoke, but it was home base for many of the firefighters so we felt safe. At least on land. Diamond Lake was used as the water source for aerial firefighting efforts. We were eager to get our boats in the water, but we were anxious about getting sucked up into a bucket.

It was a lovely place to visit, but we missed seeing so much of it because of the smoke.  Take this scene for example. People told us there were mountains out there somewhere.

This is my best artistic impression of how they might look.

It’s almost as hard to see Emma in my lap as it is to see the mountains, but she’s there. This was her first kayak experience away from our home lake. It was pretty exciting for both of us.

Diamond Lake was good to us. In addition to kayaking, we hiked and made some new furry and feathered friends.

Emma made her own obstacle course.

And protected the group from invisible bears.

Emma is brave, but she wasn’t keen on going through the tunnel. I’ve seen those movies, Em – I get ya.

She ended up safely tucked into her pack for the rest of the hike.

Best seat in the house.

Big friends…

…and little friends.

Dinner…

…and a show. (James and Ukulele received a standing ovation.)

Emma enjoyed her view.

It was so cold one morning, Tongue and Emma both stayed tucked in.

We would go back to Diamond Lake in a heartbeat (but I’m still itchin’ to scratch Crater Lake off my bucket list).

From there, the group headed to Portland, home of Spanky. We ate some good German food, had a good German beer or two, then had to say goodbye to our friends as we continued our tour and they went home.

Between Harris Beach, Diamond Lake, and Portland, our friend Lindsay got these great pictures of our teardrop on the road. Every teardrop should travel with its own professional photographer.

At a bar/restaurant called Prost! Emma and James had a philosophical discussion that flew way over my head.

Once the talk veered into the more mundane, Emma took a nap – but she kept an ear on the conversation in case she needed to chime in again.

You have to watch where you step, Portland street art is everywhere.

We had so much fun with these people.

Portland traffic was a pain in the patootie and as we left town we found ourselves asking Emma if we were there yet. She didn’t have an answer, but she looked awfully cute.

On our way to Seattle, we stopped overnight at a KOA. Emma was not impressed with the bounce house full of screaming children.

She wasn’t impressed with the view, either. I tried to explain that it was dark so it was hard to see Mt. St. Helens (which I was sure was out there somewhere), but that didn’t matter to her. She wanted a view.

The next day more than made up for what the KOA stop lacked.

First, we visited all things Twin Peaks just outside of Seattle. “All things” except the real welcome sign, which was being repaired, and the sheriff’s office, which was down a closed road, and the Palmer House, which I didn’t want to try to find because it creeps me out. Emma wanted a picture next to the makeshift welcome sign behind the Double R Diner.

Then she wanted a picture with the pie mural on the side of the same building. Little did she know, she was about to get the chance to see the real thing!

We kindly asked if we could poke our head in just to see the inside of the diner, not expecting to be allowed all the way in with Emma. Imagine our surprise when we were told we could stay and eat if it didn’t bother any of the other customers. After a couple of nods of approval and no complaints, we slid into a booth.

Through the whole meal (for what it’s worth, the food here was exceptionally good) Emma stayed on the ‘down low’ tucked inside her bag.

Then she popped right up just in time for dessert. Who can resist a slice of cherry pie and a damn fine cup of coffee?

The only disappointment in this whole fantastic experience is that she didn’t get to see Special Agent Dale Cooper or Sherriff Truman and both Shelly and Norma had the day off.

Here we are in the area of the opening scenes of Twin Peaks. Pure giddiness.

Direct quote from Emma: “Now take a picture of me by myself with this scenic view.”

After Snoqualmie Falls, we headed into town to see more friends.

As luck would have it, we rolled into town just in time for a crawfish boil! Our friends Dorothy and Kurt took us with them to Victoria and Ian’s annual celebration of all things New Orleans (and remembrance of Hurricane Katrina). We ate fantastic food and Em made new friends: feathered, furry, and human.

By this point in the trip, Emma thought we traveled far enough to be in a whole ‘nother country. She attempted to show respect to her new friends by repeatedly bowing in response to their bows. She thought it was a strange custom, but she wanted to fit in. I didn’t have the heart to tell her we were still in the US and her new friends were eating and ignoring her.

She also met Dojo, a handsome fella who hasn’t let his twisted legs hinder his love of life or his modeling career. Seriously, he was on the cover of a Seattle magazine. I wish I had a picture of the two of them together. They were quite the pair.

We ate well.

Emma dominated the conversation for three hours…

… then she finally ran out of things to say…

…and promptly fell asleep. It was a long, fun day.

Victoria and Ian know how to throw a great party and we’re so happy they let us crash it.

We didn’t get enough time in Seattle with Dorothy, Kurt, and their Black Cat Club (Andy, Quiz, and Simone, who all tolerated Emma’s interloping well), but that just means we have an excuse to go back soon. After we were back on the road, I was devastated to discover I didn’t get a picture with Kurt and Dot. That’s what I get for running my mouth too much to pick up a camera. Those two could make some serious money as therapists (I have a lot of issues with my cat and I tend to talk about those issues ad nauseam).

The next morning, we were off to Glacier Park in Montana.

This was Emma’s are-we-there-yet-and-could-you-please-get-your-bag-out-of-my-way face shortly after we pulled out of the driveway.

Emma learned the fine art of eating on the road.

She lost complete control of Tongue several times in the long miles between Spokane, WA and Flathead Lake, MT.

What was he doing? Trying to make a break for it?  I don’t know where he thought he’d go.

That was the most exciting thing to happen on the 9-hour drive across two states. But I owe a debt of gratitude to Montana farmers for posting signs describing what vegetables were planted in their endless fields. Reading those signs gave us something to do in between Tongue’s antics.

This might be a good time to mention we had ZERO cell service. None. We were without our phones 14 out of the 17 days we were on the road. As I told a friend, it was both terrifying and wonderful.

The long, mostly boring drive was well worth it. Glacier National Park is absolutely fantastic. Unfortunately, it was also on fire so we had a limited view, though what we could see was stunning. I can’t imagine what this place looks like in its full glory.

Fair warning, Emma wanted her picture made with EVERYTHING.

“Please take a picture of me pretending to be a mountain goat.”

“Please take a picture of my ear looking like a mountain.”

She’s not aware that I took this picture of her, but as the earth’s bones jutted through its crust and Emma’s bones jutted out of her skin, I had to document that in this moment they were sisters.

“Take a picture of me with this scenic view.”

“Now take another one in case you mess that first one up.”

By this point, Emma knew her back and the mountain were twins. “Take a picture of this.”

(I never realized I would create such a diva when I showed Emma how to pose at Harris Beach way back in Oregon.)

She and Tongue had to read every informational sign.

 

And she had to check her peemail™ at every stop.

Her inbox was full.

She was happy we didn’t have to rent a kayak. She likes hers.

She wasn’t interested in a huckleberry smoothie, which was good because it meant more for the humans. (Holy cow, guys, do y’all know about huckleberries?! How did I not know about huckleberries?! I’m in desperate need of an h-berry supplier. Hook a girl up, yo.)

Emma got to see the inside of a teepee.

And a book caught her eye in the park bookstore. She loves a good mystery.

Our teardrop was too large (seriously) to stay inside the park so we camped at the St. Mary KOA just outside the east side of the park. It was a lovely place.

It seems it was a magical place, too, because Emma Louise somehow ended up walking herself through a rainbow.

She wasn’t so sure about swimming in St. Mary Lake…

…but she was okay with kayaking.

She loves her boat.

We ate well (the KOA store was STOCKED FULL of good stuff).

We drank well too. Glacier has a distilling company with a tasting room. Emma was very confused by the whole process and couldn’t understand why my water bowl smelled so terrible.

“Why do you drink that dirty water?! Find another human to clean your bowl.”

She couldn’t even with this one.

We had hoped to see at least one gorgeous night sky, but the smoke from the wildfires thwarted us.

Emma preferred the warmth of her dog house to our fake fire (no real fires, because of the REAL fires around us). Don’t lament the fact that our propane fire didn’t smell like a regular campfire. By this point in the trip we, the air around us, and all our belongings were permeated with eau de burning wood.

Emma had hoped for a better view than this one.

Then she woke up to this beauty the morning we left. Check out Tongue’s excitement. My greatest disappointment is that we were up too early for them to meet the Sport Beans Cycling Team.

After Glacier, we headed to Yellowstone National Park. We were barely out of the Glacier KOA campground when Emma asked if we were there yet. Tongue was already in nap mode.

Seven hours later, we were finally there.

Emma saw as many things as possible at Yellowstone. She also smelled some stinky things (hello vault toilets and all the Sulphur geysers).

We told her it was payback for her breath.  She huffed and did the equivalent of slamming the door to her bedroom.

She recovered when she received her very own Junior Park Ranger badge. She also got to meet a real, live park ranger and sit in his golf cart. There are no pictures of this because I suck.

Emma thought the trashcans at Yellowstone were beautiful. She was right.

She didn’t think this one was as great as I did, though. She prefers mysteries to historical non-fiction, so she has no practical knowledge of Theodore Roosevelt. I feel I’ve failed her.

Sulphur.

Buffalo warning…

…and oh! look! there’s one now.

 

“Maybe he won’t see me if I close my eyes.”

Fun fact: there are no buffalo in the US. What we have are bison. It’s kinda like Christopher Columbus calling Native People “Indians” because he was confused and thought he landed in India. According to the National Park Service, early explorers thought American bison resembled old world buffalo (Asian and African buffalo and water buffalo) and we’ve erroneously called them buffalo ever since – to the point that in the U.S. the two names are now completely interchangeable.

Emma prefers to be technically correct, so I’m supposed to tell you she spent the rest of the afternoon pretending to be a bison.

Yellowstone needs to rethink their marketing.

Emma thought this view at our campsite was just okay.

But she loved this view and wanted her picture taken with it.

She wanted you to see it from this angle too. Look at her work that Olan Mills® head tilt.

Inexplicably, she also wanted a picture with this bus.

“Being the Building” required another photo. For what it’s worth, Yellowstone has a lot of fantastic mid-century architecture.

She wanted this picture too. Y’all don’t know how hard it was to do this. Emma is kinda short and my arms aren’t that long, but when a 16-year-old dog says she wants to stick her head through the face of a cartoon park ranger and preserve the memory for all eternity, you figure out a way to make it happen.

While on a little hike with Emma in her pouch, a German or Austrian woman looked directly at her and said, “Dis is kangaroo.” I still don’t know if it was a statement or a question, I just nodded in agreement.

Emmaroo.

Emma kayaked Yellowstone Lake, but we don’t have any pictures of that adventure because she moved around in the boat too much and we spent all our time keeping her from falling into the water. Turns out she really needed to pee.

Our tour of Yellowstone was over and as we started the long drive out of the park Emma popped her head up and asked, “are we there yet?”

Eight hours later, we were there. Specifically, Custer, SD – just outside of Mount Rushmore.

We made a couple of stops on the way because Emma wanted to read the educational material posted on the side of the road. I still have no idea what she planned to do with this information.

Emma read this poster. Then she wanted me to take a picture of her alongside Woodsy Owl to show her approval of this message.

While we were stopped, she noticed the lovely view. She asked for another photo. Tongue gave this scenery an enthusiastic “tongues up.” He doesn’t understand why highway pull overs don’t have Yelp reviews. I couldn’t give him a logical answer.

It was no Double R Diner, but Pizza Works in Custer, SD served up a good salad and a great pizza.

Since we planned to spend most of our visit away from the campsite, we chose another KOA.  Hangin’ with the big boys.

Emma was so disappointed by the view, she turned her back on it.

That’s okay. We had things to do and people to see. First up, Crazy Horse. I don’t know what I expected, but I never expected to be so moved by this monument. Emma was allowed in the facilities, which made our visit much better.

We were encouraged to take her in the theater where we learned a little history of the Oglala Lakota tribe who commissioned the work and a lot of history about the man and his family who designed it and are still working on it. Emma said ‘no, no, no, whew!’ as Korczak Ziolkowski described his son tumbling down the mountain on heavy machinery (he survived).

She read all the things and looked at all the images.

She decided she needed a closer look than this, so we paid a quarter for her to look through big binoculars.

Then we went to Mount Rushmore. My mecca. The place of my people carved in stone. Except for Thomas Jefferson. He’s okay and he did some pretty okay things for this country, but he’s not really my people.

I have only one picture at Rushmore because I cried and it was embarrassing and they wouldn’t let Emma in, so we had to leave her asleep in the car and that was stressful and I might’ve had too many sips from the bottle of Madeira* given to me by my neighbors before the trip. It was all a little much.

* a favorite fermented drink of our founding fathers

Since I was unable to gain control of my faculties while inside the park, I was thrilled to learn there’s a different president on every corner in Rapid City, SD, just outside Mount Rushmore.

I might’ve accosted my two favorites.

 

Every morning I scan my closet and think what would Theodore Roosevelt wear?

I need a sword.

President Lincoln was just trying to have a sweet moment with a little boy and I ruined it with my squeals of delight.

My husband tolerates a lot.

Once you’ve manhandled some presidents, there’s not a lot to do in this part of the world except eat and drink. Emma and Tongue may never understand our weird water bowls…

…but they both understand the glory of a fine piece of bread. Yes, they got some. They’re old. They get to eat carbs.

The next morning we hit the road again. By this point in the trip, Tongue was so worn out Emma couldn’t make him work long enough to ask if we were there yet.

Six hours later, we enjoyed the company of some of our Texpat friends (if an expat is a person residing in a country other than that of their citizenship, then it only makes sense to call this gang of Texas transplants Texpats). Side note, even though Denver was not on fire, smoke from Oregon obscured our view of the Rockies. It seems we weren’t meant to see much nature on this trip. That’s okay, our friends’ smiling faces more than made up for it.

We didn’t get nearly enough time with Nick, Sandra, and Ashley, but by this point in the trip Emma was exhausted and we needed to get her home. Unfortunately, we were still 780+ miles away.

She and Tongue slept most of the way home.

This was her we-crossed-the-Texas-border smile. I didn’t have the heart to tell her we still had a long drive ahead of us.

We made great time on the drive home and we joyfully pulled into the driveway earlier than expected. In anticipation of a hot shower and a solid nap, we flung the door open only to be greeted by the adorable, yet stern, faces of three neighbor children who were making welcome home signs for our arrival. They insisted we humans wait outside until they were finished – Emma was allowed in because she doesn’t read English and wouldn’t spoil the surprise. So, we sat and waited, because that’s what you do for great kids.  I wish I had pictures of their work, but all batteries were depleted – phone, camera, and brain.

Emma spent 15 of her 16 years at home with our other dogs. They were all content with walks around the neighborhood, sleeping under the covers in our bed, and periodic car rides to the vet. One by one, the rest of Emma’s pack died and she developed separation anxiety. We knew we couldn’t leave her at home with a pet sitter and she would surely die of a broken heart in boarding. We asked a lot of her on this trip and she delivered. I’m so happy she had this experience. She saw and did things I never imagined possible. I bet she never imagined them either.